Everyone loves Google AdWords. If you run an online business and you know what you're doing, it's a cost-effective, not to mention very effective, form of advertising. MSN and Yahoo aren't bad, but AdWords is king.
Where else, after all, can you lie about offering free shipping for pennies a click, only to lure customers in with the promise of "cakes" and offer only one kind of cake? There's hours of fun to be had.
Sometimes, though, it goes too far. As you probably know, "bird flu" is a popular search term these days. Any time a search term gets popular, advertisers want to jump on it. Eight pages worth of advertisers, in this case, offering everything from respiratory masks to advice for businesses on how to deal with an outbreak.
Then there's this ad:
Bird Flu
Whatever you're looking for
you can get it on eBay.
www.ebay.com
Order now and we'll rush vials of HN51 straight to your door! Only $59.95 with PayPal! Check my Rating! L@@K!
Not quite what they had in mind, I'm sure. The AdWords link actually takes you to a list of bird-flu-related products, including a number of books about why you should be terrified, some pills that may assuage your fears, and T-shirts for those who prefer to laugh at fate with the words, "Bird Flu! Run for your damn life!" beneath a silhouette of a man running from what appears to be the silhouette of a hawk, or perhaps an eagle.
There's also someone offering to sell the domain name www.birdflu.org, described as the "Best domain name for BIRD FLU!!" As of this writing, it's up to 12 bids, with a top bid of $14,100. The seller is also offering free gift wrapping on this item. I don't know how you'd wrap a domain name, but if you're imagining the gift wrap, that is free, so I'll keep the seller off my list of liars for the moment.
Incidentally, the reserve for this domain name has not yet been met. I'll keep an eye on this auction over the next two days and see if it gets there.
So the eBay ad is true, if unsettling, and folks should really think about how they phrase their AdWords copy. You won't lure a lot of customers with the promise of bird flu.
There's also a couple of other conclusions I can draw.
First, Dick Cheney was doing his part to control the spread of bird flu until, as usual, a lawyer got in the way.
Second, no crisis is so severe that someone, somewhere, won't try to make a buck off of it.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
Deal or No Deal?
Everyone loves to find something on sale. I'm a Filene's Basement veteran myself, and I've participated in a lot of conversations that go something like this:
"Hey there, acquaintance or family member. That's a spiffy new article of clothing you've got there. It must have cost a bundle."
"Actually, I got it at The Basement. It was originally $250, but I got it for $35. Sure, it's slightly irregular and the sleeves keep falling off, but I'll just keep sewing them back on."
I don't mean to malign The Basement. They actually sell good stuff, and an astute shopper can find some great bargains in there. Unfortunately, there are those among us who would seek to exploit my--and your--thrifty nature with pricing shenanigans that place them in the dimly lit corner of the Online Liars.
Yesterday, I talked about the Free Shipping Phonies. Today, I'd like to expose their equally nefarious cousins, the Dubious Discounters. These online hooligans post fake "list prices," then offer what looks like a steep discount to make you think you're getting a bargain. You're not, you're just being fed a lie along with the cake you ordered.
There's a certain site out there that's selling cakes that are eerily similar to the cakes we carry. I won't name names this time out of respect to one of our partner bakeries, but the hooligans know who they are. Their catalog pages offer a "list price" for each cake they sell, which is then crossed out with another price published beneath it. In red, next to that lower price, are the words, "You save $4.00." At least they don't punctuate their lies with exclamation points, but putting them in red is a pretty close second.
If you bought the same Chocolate Satin Cake from us, you'd actually be saving almost a dollar over their price, including shipping, or almost $5 over their fictional "list price." So we're cheaper than they are, and we don't lie to you.
We could do the same thing, of course. List our cakes at $50 a piece and claim fictional savings, but I like sleeping at night.
The practice of fictional list pricing reached a head in retail jewlery sales in Massachusetts a couple of years ago, when several stores were offering savings of "up to 80%." The Attorney General's office caught wise to this deception, and demanded that the following language be included in such advertising: "List price reflects a price at which offers may or may not have been made." In other words, they had to admit that the products may never have been sold at the "list price," which makes the discount fictional. Someday the forces of fair play will catch up to these practices online, until then, buyer beware.
So how can you tell if a discount is genuine? Shop around. I regularly check our competitors to make sure we're giving you the best possible price. If you know what things cost to begin with, you can spot a real bargain. Overstock and Woot are both the real deal. Efendos, which claims "free shipping" is not. They're charging more than we are for cakes, and we just adjusted our prices to reflect the higher fuel surcharges we pay for shipping.
Whoops--did I just say that? Yes I did. We raised our prices a little on some of our products to reflect higher shipping and ingredient costs. And if those fuel surcharges go away, we'll lower our prices, because we're committed to giving you the best possible value for your dollar.
Some folks lie to make you think you're getting a deal. We actually give you one.
"Hey there, acquaintance or family member. That's a spiffy new article of clothing you've got there. It must have cost a bundle."
"Actually, I got it at The Basement. It was originally $250, but I got it for $35. Sure, it's slightly irregular and the sleeves keep falling off, but I'll just keep sewing them back on."
I don't mean to malign The Basement. They actually sell good stuff, and an astute shopper can find some great bargains in there. Unfortunately, there are those among us who would seek to exploit my--and your--thrifty nature with pricing shenanigans that place them in the dimly lit corner of the Online Liars.
Yesterday, I talked about the Free Shipping Phonies. Today, I'd like to expose their equally nefarious cousins, the Dubious Discounters. These online hooligans post fake "list prices," then offer what looks like a steep discount to make you think you're getting a bargain. You're not, you're just being fed a lie along with the cake you ordered.
There's a certain site out there that's selling cakes that are eerily similar to the cakes we carry. I won't name names this time out of respect to one of our partner bakeries, but the hooligans know who they are. Their catalog pages offer a "list price" for each cake they sell, which is then crossed out with another price published beneath it. In red, next to that lower price, are the words, "You save $4.00." At least they don't punctuate their lies with exclamation points, but putting them in red is a pretty close second.
If you bought the same Chocolate Satin Cake from us, you'd actually be saving almost a dollar over their price, including shipping, or almost $5 over their fictional "list price." So we're cheaper than they are, and we don't lie to you.
We could do the same thing, of course. List our cakes at $50 a piece and claim fictional savings, but I like sleeping at night.
The practice of fictional list pricing reached a head in retail jewlery sales in Massachusetts a couple of years ago, when several stores were offering savings of "up to 80%." The Attorney General's office caught wise to this deception, and demanded that the following language be included in such advertising: "List price reflects a price at which offers may or may not have been made." In other words, they had to admit that the products may never have been sold at the "list price," which makes the discount fictional. Someday the forces of fair play will catch up to these practices online, until then, buyer beware.
So how can you tell if a discount is genuine? Shop around. I regularly check our competitors to make sure we're giving you the best possible price. If you know what things cost to begin with, you can spot a real bargain. Overstock and Woot are both the real deal. Efendos, which claims "free shipping" is not. They're charging more than we are for cakes, and we just adjusted our prices to reflect the higher fuel surcharges we pay for shipping.
Whoops--did I just say that? Yes I did. We raised our prices a little on some of our products to reflect higher shipping and ingredient costs. And if those fuel surcharges go away, we'll lower our prices, because we're committed to giving you the best possible value for your dollar.
Some folks lie to make you think you're getting a deal. We actually give you one.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Lie Cake Lie
I don't like liars. I don't think they're the sort of people that one should do business with. Yet liars persist in this online world, as a Google Search of "overnight cake delivery" will attest.
There's one company lying to you in its ads, and one that's not. I'm sure you can figure out who's who and what the lie is, but for the record, one more time:
There is no such thing as free shipping.
Anyone who says otherwise is lying to you and playing on your vulnerable desire to get a bargain. They'll probably try to convince you that there's only one flavor of cake in the world, too.
I'd like to know what happened to truth in advertising. Oh, right, this is the Internet, and there's a lot of shady characters around here, some of whom have actual marketing budgets. I'm tempted to buy an AdWords ad that reads,
Liars, liars, liars
Admit that you pay for shipping
On overnight cake delivery
Listen, I could charge $65 a cake or $75 a cake, hide the shipping costs, and tell you that it's free too. I could also tell you that I'm eleven feet tall with a moustache made of solid platinum and Razor scooters where my feet should be, and that I use my increased mobility and bullet-proof upper lip to battle crime every night as Platinum-Razor Man. Wouldn't make it true.
Do you really think a cake costs sixty bucks? Doesn't it seem like there's some additional charges hidden in there somewhere? Wouldn't you prefer a little more honesty in your life?
At the very least, I consider claims of "free" shipping to be very unethical. At worst, it's an outright lie, and when you put it in your ads with exclamation points, you're lying, plain and simple. I couldn't sleep at night knowing that I was lying to my customers, but I guess some people can.
There's one company lying to you in its ads, and one that's not. I'm sure you can figure out who's who and what the lie is, but for the record, one more time:
There is no such thing as free shipping.
Anyone who says otherwise is lying to you and playing on your vulnerable desire to get a bargain. They'll probably try to convince you that there's only one flavor of cake in the world, too.
I'd like to know what happened to truth in advertising. Oh, right, this is the Internet, and there's a lot of shady characters around here, some of whom have actual marketing budgets. I'm tempted to buy an AdWords ad that reads,
Liars, liars, liars
Admit that you pay for shipping
On overnight cake delivery
Listen, I could charge $65 a cake or $75 a cake, hide the shipping costs, and tell you that it's free too. I could also tell you that I'm eleven feet tall with a moustache made of solid platinum and Razor scooters where my feet should be, and that I use my increased mobility and bullet-proof upper lip to battle crime every night as Platinum-Razor Man. Wouldn't make it true.
Do you really think a cake costs sixty bucks? Doesn't it seem like there's some additional charges hidden in there somewhere? Wouldn't you prefer a little more honesty in your life?
At the very least, I consider claims of "free" shipping to be very unethical. At worst, it's an outright lie, and when you put it in your ads with exclamation points, you're lying, plain and simple. I couldn't sleep at night knowing that I was lying to my customers, but I guess some people can.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Tasty Surprise in Store
I just tasted something delicious. Something that you, lucky reader, will be able to order off our site in a couple of days. Something that you won't believe is so delicious when you know what it is.
"Yeah, so stop hyping and tell me what it is already."
Please give me another day or two as I deal with the amazing volume of orders for King Cakes, which have sold faster than anything we've ever offered on the site. Just how fast have they sold? Let's take a look at our Top 10 Products, shall we?
"Yeah, so stop hyping and tell me what it is already."
Please give me another day or two as I deal with the amazing volume of orders for King Cakes, which have sold faster than anything we've ever offered on the site. Just how fast have they sold? Let's take a look at our Top 10 Products, shall we?
- Stollen--sells like crazy at Christmas. It'll be #2 by next week.
- Chocolate Birthday Cake (Complete Party Kit)
- Vanilla Birthday Cake (Complete Party Kit)
- Croissants
- Baby Boston Coffee Cakes
- Sugar-Free Low-Carb Flourless Chocolate Cake
- Cinnamon Walnut Coffee Cake
- King Cake (will be #7 by tomorrow, and we moved a ton of those Coffee Cakes at Christmas)
- Gourmet Cookies Gift Assortment
- Demitasse Party Petits Fours
For reference, the Stollen has been available from the first day the site launched. King Cakes debuted in late January. It's good to see the cakes selling well, especially since it's helping Randazzo's rebuild their business. We talked to Tricia today, and her husband hasn't slept in a couple of days as they process the orders.
If you'd like to order one, we're accepting orders until Noon Eastern tomorrow, February 23. I'd said 2PM, but I had to move it back. Please note that we cannot guarantee a delivery date at this time, but all orders received by noon tomorrow will arrive before Mardi Gras.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Random Monday Thoughts
"Random Monday Thoughts." I might make this a new feature on the blog. We'll see. I just figured that since most folks have today off, I could mail in the segues and just write a bunch of unrelated stuff that wouldn't rate as a full post by itself. So here goes.
- Telephone Tips: Believe it or not, your calls are important to us. Really. We like talking with our customers and helping them get what they need. Sometimes we get busy, or it's midnight and we're not here, and you'll get our voicemail. If you do, please make sure to leave a 10-digit phone number where we can reach you during the day. Don't assume that we know your area code, and don't leave more than 10 digits, as we don't know which 10 to choose.
And if you don't hear back from us, please call us back instead of telling everyone you know that we have lousy customer service. We want to call you back, but we can't if we don't understand your phone number. - Blogger was down on Friday afternoon, which is why I never got to my other big announcement last week. I'm not getting to it today, either, because sending out information on a Monday holiday is like putting a billboard on top of Mount Everest.
- Sometimes our packages show up early. It happened at Christmas, and it happened again last week. Why? Our friends at UPS have a policy of moving things as fast as they can during the busy times, and Valentine's is second only to Christmas for shipping. We do our best to get things there on the day you specify, but we are at the mercy of our shipping partners. I'll throw a nod to a competitor who shall remain nameless for turning this occasional event into a bonus. In their shipping information, they say, "May arrive early at no extra charge." That's good marketing.
- Buy a King Cake, but do it soon. We're closing orders for these on Thursday, if not sooner. Remember that you'll be helping a Louisiana bakery recover with each purchase. I'm thrilled with the response so far from our customers, who have moved the King Cakes into our Top-10 products faster than anything we've ever offered on the site.
- Finally, it seems that NBC is lamenting poor ratings for the Torino Olympics. I'll give you three reasons why they're down: First, the lackluster performance of Team USA, especially on the ski slopes, where it's like watching a train wreck. Then again, Americans love watching train wrecks, so that's only part of the problem.
Second, the fact that we know the results before the broadcast. That always cripples the ratings for an overseas Olympics. Would you rather watch Bode Miller when you know he's been disqualified or watch the always unpredictable American Idol? I'd rather watch the Olympics, but I've got to go out of my way to avoid the coverage.
Third, too damn many commercials. Those "Life takes Visa" spots have become such a pervasive nuisance that I'm reaching for the remote at the first sign of a break. More than once I've seen NBC come out of a commercial break, run about two minutes of coverage, and then go back to commercials. There's too many breaks, and too many repeats of the same ads. If I wasn't going to buy a Chevy the first 7 times I saw the ad during the Opening Ceremonies, I'm not going to buy one now. In fact, I'm so annoyed that I won't buy one ever, and I may even tell my friends not to buy them, in the hope that they run out of advertising dollars so I can enjoy two-man bobsleigh without screaming at the TV every time I hear the Olympic theme played on car horns.
The incessant advertising has made watching the games a chore. Couple that with already knowing the day's results, and you've got a healthy audience for "House" over on Fox. NBC would do well to follow the "less is more" rule and give us 15-minute blocks of programming with higher-priced commercial breaks in between. IF Chevy and Visa want to buy all the spots, let them sponsor the night. Fox did that successfully with Ford for a couple of "24" premieres.
Just stop ambushing us with the same ads over and over again. It's like going to one of those "salespeople on commission" stores and having people jump at you with sales pitch every time you turn a corner. I don't shop in those stores.
And I'm not watching those Olympic commercial breaks, but I'm trying to watch the games themselves. I guess that puts me in the minority.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Are You in The Zone?
Firstly, if you're looking to get a King Cake for February 27 or 28, order it now. As in tomorrow, if not sooner. I spoke to Tricia down at Randazzo's today, and they're nearing the cutoff for orders delivered on Mardi Gras. If you want one for any other day next week, no problem. I'm likely going to cut off Mardi Gras delivery at 5PM Eastern tomorrow, so if you're on the fence, it's time to act.
On to the real question of the day: Are You in The Zone? I'm not talking about Atkins, but rather UPS Zone 1, which encompasses New England, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Washington, D.C. If you're living in one of those areas, or you care about someone who does, you can send them some delicious Hurley's Irish Soda Bread, or even some Irish Soda Crisps, for five bucks. It's just like getting "FREE" shipping, only you pay five bucks. That's still pretty goshdarn cheap when you consider how much you'd pay in gas to get from Washington, D.C. to Boston to find some Soda Bread at retail.
How do we do it? We must be insane. Or using UPS Ground shipping, which delivers in two days to anyplace within Zone 1. If you're outside of Zone 1, shipping is $15, but you'd pay a lot more in gas, and probably need a hotel, to get to Boston. Plus you'd likely want to do some touristy things while you're here, and now you're way over that $15. You'd be lucky to get a trolley ticket for $15, and they wouldn't give you any Soda Bread. Of course, we have a separate charge for the Soda Bread, but trust me when I tell you that no amount of money waved a Boston Trolley driver is going to get you baked goods.
The upshot of this whole thing is that you get a darn good deal on shipping no matter where you live, but if you're in the Northeast, you've got an extra-good deal, one that may even make shoveling snow worth the effort. At least, if you like Soda Bread.
The downside on all of this is that there's no more Express Shipping on our Soda Bread. I don't expect much heartache here, because in the two years we've offered this product, only a couple of people have had such desparate Soda Bread cravings that they paid for Express Shipping.
If you really need Soda Bread that bad, call me, and I'll hook you up. But before you call me, I suggest some deep reflection on the choices you've made in life that led you to this overwhelming need.
On to the real question of the day: Are You in The Zone? I'm not talking about Atkins, but rather UPS Zone 1, which encompasses New England, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Washington, D.C. If you're living in one of those areas, or you care about someone who does, you can send them some delicious Hurley's Irish Soda Bread, or even some Irish Soda Crisps, for five bucks. It's just like getting "FREE" shipping, only you pay five bucks. That's still pretty goshdarn cheap when you consider how much you'd pay in gas to get from Washington, D.C. to Boston to find some Soda Bread at retail.
How do we do it? We must be insane. Or using UPS Ground shipping, which delivers in two days to anyplace within Zone 1. If you're outside of Zone 1, shipping is $15, but you'd pay a lot more in gas, and probably need a hotel, to get to Boston. Plus you'd likely want to do some touristy things while you're here, and now you're way over that $15. You'd be lucky to get a trolley ticket for $15, and they wouldn't give you any Soda Bread. Of course, we have a separate charge for the Soda Bread, but trust me when I tell you that no amount of money waved a Boston Trolley driver is going to get you baked goods.
The upshot of this whole thing is that you get a darn good deal on shipping no matter where you live, but if you're in the Northeast, you've got an extra-good deal, one that may even make shoveling snow worth the effort. At least, if you like Soda Bread.
The downside on all of this is that there's no more Express Shipping on our Soda Bread. I don't expect much heartache here, because in the two years we've offered this product, only a couple of people have had such desparate Soda Bread cravings that they paid for Express Shipping.
If you really need Soda Bread that bad, call me, and I'll hook you up. But before you call me, I suggest some deep reflection on the choices you've made in life that led you to this overwhelming need.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Feed Our Troops
I'm looking for some folks who'd like to help with an experiment: I get a lot of requests for APO/FPO shipping to Iraq, and it just so happens that our Biscotti can handle the trip. We've sent some over there already, but I'd like to send some more, just so I know all the ins and outs of shipping to the front lines.
If you've got a loved one in Iraq or Afghanistan and you'd like to send them a treat, please call our Customer Service number and let me know. I'll waive all the shipping charges, so you'll get actual, real, free shipping, not the fake "FREE" shipping offered by sites that can't figure out that the singular of "cakes" is "cake," and when you only offer one cake, you really should use it.
Our money-back guarantee is in effect for this experiment, so if the biscotti fail to arrive or the recipient doesn't like them, there's no charge to you. I'd say the best part of this deal is that you don't have to fill out the pages and pages of paperwork that it takes to ship overseas.
In other news, because you'll notice this, we've stopped carrying Chocolate Dipped Strawberries. Why? We're going to be adding more bakeries and products to the site in the coming weeks. As the number of products goes up, it gets harder for customers to find what they're looking for.
We've always meant to be a bakery site. That means a lot of internal wrangling about what our customers expect. At La Patisserie, for example, we've got a chocolate dipper here three days a week, a deli counter, soup, and gourmet cheese and pate along with the breads, cakes, cookies, and croissants. There aren't a lot of lunch places or gourmet shops around us, so it makes sense to carry those other items.
Online it's a different world. The gourmet or chocolate shop is just a click or two away, so it doesn't make as much sense for us to carry a lot of items that aren't baked. Chocolate Dipped Strawberries fall into that category. We still stand behind the product and the company--if you'd like some, please visit Berry Gourmet--but we'd rather keep a narrow focus and concentrate on finding the best baked goods in America.
And we wouldn't remove one product line without adding another, but you'll have to stay tuned for those details.
If you've got a loved one in Iraq or Afghanistan and you'd like to send them a treat, please call our Customer Service number and let me know. I'll waive all the shipping charges, so you'll get actual, real, free shipping, not the fake "FREE" shipping offered by sites that can't figure out that the singular of "cakes" is "cake," and when you only offer one cake, you really should use it.
Our money-back guarantee is in effect for this experiment, so if the biscotti fail to arrive or the recipient doesn't like them, there's no charge to you. I'd say the best part of this deal is that you don't have to fill out the pages and pages of paperwork that it takes to ship overseas.
In other news, because you'll notice this, we've stopped carrying Chocolate Dipped Strawberries. Why? We're going to be adding more bakeries and products to the site in the coming weeks. As the number of products goes up, it gets harder for customers to find what they're looking for.
We've always meant to be a bakery site. That means a lot of internal wrangling about what our customers expect. At La Patisserie, for example, we've got a chocolate dipper here three days a week, a deli counter, soup, and gourmet cheese and pate along with the breads, cakes, cookies, and croissants. There aren't a lot of lunch places or gourmet shops around us, so it makes sense to carry those other items.
Online it's a different world. The gourmet or chocolate shop is just a click or two away, so it doesn't make as much sense for us to carry a lot of items that aren't baked. Chocolate Dipped Strawberries fall into that category. We still stand behind the product and the company--if you'd like some, please visit Berry Gourmet--but we'd rather keep a narrow focus and concentrate on finding the best baked goods in America.
And we wouldn't remove one product line without adding another, but you'll have to stay tuned for those details.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Tasty Reminder
Some days, there's a ton of stuff going on and it's nonstop juggling from the time I arrive until the time I leave. Those are fun days.
Other days, it quiets down a little and a sample of something delicious shows up on my desk. Those are really fun days, and today is one of them. I sent out a few of our Stollen to friends, including Phil Bruno at Supercookie, back at Christmastime. Phil loved it so much that he asked me if we had any left, and could I send him another. I was more than happy to do that, and in return, a large box of cookies arrived on my desk today, including--to my delight--two tubs of Spring Mini Cookies.
Since I spent well over an hour snowblowing the driveway yesterday, the sight of colorful flowers, bumblebees, and ladybugs was a welcome reminder that winter will soon come to an end. Spring training starts this weekend--here's to hoping that the Red Sox battered starting pitchers have healed in the offseason--and if you're a gardener, it's almost time to break out the grow lites and get those seedlings started.
So for those who can't wait for warmer temperatures and leaves on the trees, I've added the Spring Minis to the site. They'll bring a little warmth to the winter landscape. Of course, if you like the winter landscape (which probably means you don't have to shovel the stuff), our Winter Mini Cookies are still available as well.
Other days, it quiets down a little and a sample of something delicious shows up on my desk. Those are really fun days, and today is one of them. I sent out a few of our Stollen to friends, including Phil Bruno at Supercookie, back at Christmastime. Phil loved it so much that he asked me if we had any left, and could I send him another. I was more than happy to do that, and in return, a large box of cookies arrived on my desk today, including--to my delight--two tubs of Spring Mini Cookies.
Since I spent well over an hour snowblowing the driveway yesterday, the sight of colorful flowers, bumblebees, and ladybugs was a welcome reminder that winter will soon come to an end. Spring training starts this weekend--here's to hoping that the Red Sox battered starting pitchers have healed in the offseason--and if you're a gardener, it's almost time to break out the grow lites and get those seedlings started.
So for those who can't wait for warmer temperatures and leaves on the trees, I've added the Spring Minis to the site. They'll bring a little warmth to the winter landscape. Of course, if you like the winter landscape (which probably means you don't have to shovel the stuff), our Winter Mini Cookies are still available as well.
Monday, February 13, 2006
After the Storm
After much shoveling, salting, and snowblowing, things are "winter normal" here in the Northeast. That means the sidewalks are icy, parking spaces are being saved with chairs, orange cones, trash barrels, and other garage items, and commerce is again on the move.
If you placed an order with us for Valentine's Day delivery, rest assured that it's on its way on time. Thanks to everyone who made this a very happy Valentines Day for us. Orders have been closed since noon, and we had a very good couple of weeks.
Things quiet down now until Easter, unless you folks decide to keep us busy by ordering lots and lots of King Cakes. With all the beads and doubloons these cakes come with, it's like getting Mardi Gras in a box, and the cakes themselves are terrific. You could also comfort your Olympic sorrows with some Olympic Mini Cookies. It's been a tough couple of days for the Americans. First Michelle Kwan drops out, then Bode Miller finishes fourth in Men's Downhill and Apollo Ahno fails to make the finals in the 1500-meter Short Track. Word today is that Women's Luge was plagued by crashes. I'm hoping that everyone's fortunes improve as the Games progress.
Whenever we hit a slow time over here, we take a look at the site and see what's working and what's not. We also review the customer requests we receive to see what else we should be offering. One year ago, when we were one of a handful of sites dedicated to bakery products, it was a matter of keeping up with the Joneses. Now, with more companies jumping into the space, setting ourselves apart from the competition becomes more important each day.
To that end, we've got some exciting developments planned in the coming weeks, based around one of my guiding philosophies of customer service, namely, "Never say 'No' to a customer." That, of course, is an impossible goal, but by the 20th request for a particular product or service, it's time to start finding a solution.
I've found two that should make you very happy. Look for details later this week.
And if you're not of a mind to wish that February 14th was just another day, have a Happy Valentine's Day. For those who dread the day, take comfort in knowing that the clutter of hearts and pink will be swept from the stores for another year on Wednesday.
If you placed an order with us for Valentine's Day delivery, rest assured that it's on its way on time. Thanks to everyone who made this a very happy Valentines Day for us. Orders have been closed since noon, and we had a very good couple of weeks.
Things quiet down now until Easter, unless you folks decide to keep us busy by ordering lots and lots of King Cakes. With all the beads and doubloons these cakes come with, it's like getting Mardi Gras in a box, and the cakes themselves are terrific. You could also comfort your Olympic sorrows with some Olympic Mini Cookies. It's been a tough couple of days for the Americans. First Michelle Kwan drops out, then Bode Miller finishes fourth in Men's Downhill and Apollo Ahno fails to make the finals in the 1500-meter Short Track. Word today is that Women's Luge was plagued by crashes. I'm hoping that everyone's fortunes improve as the Games progress.
Whenever we hit a slow time over here, we take a look at the site and see what's working and what's not. We also review the customer requests we receive to see what else we should be offering. One year ago, when we were one of a handful of sites dedicated to bakery products, it was a matter of keeping up with the Joneses. Now, with more companies jumping into the space, setting ourselves apart from the competition becomes more important each day.
To that end, we've got some exciting developments planned in the coming weeks, based around one of my guiding philosophies of customer service, namely, "Never say 'No' to a customer." That, of course, is an impossible goal, but by the 20th request for a particular product or service, it's time to start finding a solution.
I've found two that should make you very happy. Look for details later this week.
And if you're not of a mind to wish that February 14th was just another day, have a Happy Valentine's Day. For those who dread the day, take comfort in knowing that the clutter of hearts and pink will be swept from the stores for another year on Wednesday.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Winter Wonderland
You may have heard that there's a big storm heading for the East Coast this weekend. You may be concerned that this will affect our Valentine's Day deliveries. Fortunately, the storm is coming on Saturday and Sunday, which aren't shipping days for us, so there shouldn't be any disruptions, and your sweets will get to your Valentine on time.
Meanwhile, we'll be up here waiting out the inevitable shortages of bread, water, and batteries that accompany every snow forecast of a dusting or more.
Meanwhile, we'll be up here waiting out the inevitable shortages of bread, water, and batteries that accompany every snow forecast of a dusting or more.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
And Then There Was Express...
I know this isn't very cake-rageous of me, but if you want something to arrive in time for Valentine's Day, it's got to be sent via Express shipping. Your Valentine is worth it, and remember that the "Oh, wow!" you hear from your Valentine will translate into extra hugs later in the evening.
Don't have a Valentine? Then you've probably got plans to watch lots and lots of Olympic coverage starting on Friday. Sure, some of the folks in Torino might not be happy about the games, but that's no reason to deny yourself a single second of colorful, high-speed human competition.
During the wee hours as you tune in to the latest Curling highlights, you're going to need some snacks to keep awake. It just so happens that we've got Olympic Mini Cookies to chase those late-night TV munchies. Every tub comes with a torch, a set of medals, and lots of little Olympic rings. Be sure to stock up early, as I find that disorientation sets in around Hour 100 of continuous Olympic viewing.
Don't have a Valentine? Then you've probably got plans to watch lots and lots of Olympic coverage starting on Friday. Sure, some of the folks in Torino might not be happy about the games, but that's no reason to deny yourself a single second of colorful, high-speed human competition.
During the wee hours as you tune in to the latest Curling highlights, you're going to need some snacks to keep awake. It just so happens that we've got Olympic Mini Cookies to chase those late-night TV munchies. Every tub comes with a torch, a set of medals, and lots of little Olympic rings. Be sure to stock up early, as I find that disorientation sets in around Hour 100 of continuous Olympic viewing.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
You Heart Cheap Shipping
Today's the deadline for Second-Day Air delivery by Valentines day, except for cookies and petits fours. We can take those orders until 2PM Eastern on Thursday. After that, it's Express shipping or a disappointed Valentine. You don't want a disappointed Valentine. Trust me on this.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
King of Cakes
There's a little round cake on the site today.
It's a different cake than yesterday.
There's little doubt in my mind that Gordon Sumner would write these words after a bite of the fantastic King Cake we now offer from Randazzo's Camellia City Bakery in Slidell, Louisiana. This is an essential for your Mardi Gras parties and a New Orleans tradition that was brought by the French in the 1870s.
The King Cake is round, sweet cake, with a dough similar to what you'd find in a Danish. The cake is decorated in three shades of icing--Purple for Justice, Green for Faith, and Gold for Power. The shape and colors represent the crowns worn by the Three Wise Men when they visited the Baby Jesus on the Epiphany. Each King Cake has a plastic baby baked inside, and tradition dictates that whoever gets the slice with the toy has to provide the King Cake for next year's celebration.
We're lucky to be able to offer these cakes. We'd been talking about adding King Cakes to the site last summer, and we loved the cake that Randazzo's sent us. Everything was set to go, then Hurricane Katrina hit. Randazzo's was flooded out, with four feet of water in the bakery. After 40 years serving New Orleans, it looked like the end.
Tricia Zornes, who took over the bakery from her father, decided to make a stand. She was determined to rebuild, hoping that she would set an example for other businesses in the area. On January 10, after cleaning up and replacing her damaged equipment, Zornes began baking King Cakes once again.
When you order a King Cake from us, you'll be helping Zornes rebuild her business. You'll also get a delicious cake that comes with Mardi Gras accessories, including beads, doubloons, and a history of Mardi Gras. We're proud to be able to make a difference for a local bakery in a time of need, and we hope that you'll support us by making one of Randazzo's King Cakes part of your Mardi Gras celebration, wherever you happen to be.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Our Long National Nightmare Ends
I know I'd promised to tell you the King Cake story today, but I'm overcome with woe. After weeks of patient waiting and countless prayers, Gocakego has responded to a nation's pleas for the Raspberry Buttercreme by removing it from their site. This has to be the saddest, least cake-rageous day I can remember.
What does it say about us, as a nation, that we're unable to bring a second variety of cake to hungry celebrants?
What will our children think when they click on a button that says, "Show me the cakes!" and see only one kind of cake? Will they think that life's promise is an empty lie? Will they understand why the Japanese are gaining ground while we struggle? Will tears pour from their eyes as they struggle to close them and sleep, imagining a day when America's bakeries are nothing but distributors for Pocky?
I should have stayed in bed today. It's all too much to bear. So too, is the arrival of SecretSpoon.com, the latest venture from the folks at ProFlowers. I like these guys in general, they run a decent enough site with the appropriate information and assurances.
But they're not bakers. They sell some cakes and cookies, and flowers, and steaks, and fruit baskets. So let me ask you this: You've got a special occasion coming up for someone you love. Who would you rather order from--a site run by bakers or a site run by a holding company? Which customer service department do you think knows more about baked goods--the one at the bakery that's been in business for 20 years or the one that just started because someone saw cakes as a new profit center for those days when meat sales are down?
At 1-800-Bakery.com, baked goods are all we sell. Okay, there's some candy and gift baskets, too, but candy's a close cousin and the gift baskets have baked goods in them. We're all bakers over here, using this site to extend our reach beyond our neighborhoods so we can share products that we believe in with people all over America.
That last thought plays into the King Cakes story, which I promise to share tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be over my Raspberry Buttercreme-induced heartache by then.
And on an unrelated note, congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers for their Super Bowl win, and to the Steeler's owners and managers for sticking with Bill Cowher during the tough years. You set an example that the rest of the NFL would be wise to follow.
What does it say about us, as a nation, that we're unable to bring a second variety of cake to hungry celebrants?
What will our children think when they click on a button that says, "Show me the cakes!" and see only one kind of cake? Will they think that life's promise is an empty lie? Will they understand why the Japanese are gaining ground while we struggle? Will tears pour from their eyes as they struggle to close them and sleep, imagining a day when America's bakeries are nothing but distributors for Pocky?
I should have stayed in bed today. It's all too much to bear. So too, is the arrival of SecretSpoon.com, the latest venture from the folks at ProFlowers. I like these guys in general, they run a decent enough site with the appropriate information and assurances.
But they're not bakers. They sell some cakes and cookies, and flowers, and steaks, and fruit baskets. So let me ask you this: You've got a special occasion coming up for someone you love. Who would you rather order from--a site run by bakers or a site run by a holding company? Which customer service department do you think knows more about baked goods--the one at the bakery that's been in business for 20 years or the one that just started because someone saw cakes as a new profit center for those days when meat sales are down?
At 1-800-Bakery.com, baked goods are all we sell. Okay, there's some candy and gift baskets, too, but candy's a close cousin and the gift baskets have baked goods in them. We're all bakers over here, using this site to extend our reach beyond our neighborhoods so we can share products that we believe in with people all over America.
That last thought plays into the King Cakes story, which I promise to share tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be over my Raspberry Buttercreme-induced heartache by then.
And on an unrelated note, congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers for their Super Bowl win, and to the Steeler's owners and managers for sticking with Bill Cowher during the tough years. You set an example that the rest of the NFL would be wise to follow.
Friday, February 03, 2006
More Sweets for Your Sweet
Straight up, I'm going to tell you about more stuff you can buy on our site. But before I get to that, today I was thinking about how romantic a Raspberry Buttercreme cake would be. Too bad it's still stuck in development. It's hard to get just the right balance of raspberry and buttercreme, apparently. Really, really hard. I hope the overtime spent on cake development doesn't cost the workers their sanity.
Now on to the sales pitch. We've got three new bakery partners this week, all of whom are worthy and welcome additions to our product line. I personally taste everything that we sell (and that we decide not to sell), and I can tell you that all three of these bakeries have wowed me. That's not an easy thing to do.
I told you about Solomon's Gourmet Cookies in my last post. For Valentine's Day, we've just added a Valentine Gift Basket that includes a dozen Silver Label cookies without nuts, three Black Label cookies, and three fondant-covered hearts expressing the warm sentiments of "Happy Valentines Day" and "I Love You." It's only available until the 13th, and it's sure to be a coveted gift of Valentines everywhere.
We've also got two new items from The Nutty Cookie of California, with more to come next week. These folks have perfected big, soft-baked cookies, and they use a lot of California-grown ingredients. Much to the dismay of the Wheat Council and the USDA, I ate these cookies for lunch a couple of times this week. I have a weakness for chocolate chips and skipping meals. I'm working on it, I swear.
The Nutty Cookie has supplied the biggest cookie we've ever carried, the "Bee Mine" Heart Cookie. Four pounds of cookie goodness stuffed with Guittard chocolate chips. It says "Bee Mine," and there's sugar bees on it, because nothing says, "I love you" quite like an edible pun. It's fun and cute and you know someone who'd love to get it, so stop snickering.
Finally, for you Mardi Gras afficionados out there, how about a genuine New Orleans King Cake from Randazzo's Camellia City Bakery? It's like getting Carnival in a box, because you'll get the cake along with Mardi Gras beads, plastic doubloons, and a history of Mardi Gras. There's more to the story of this partnership to be told, but it's Friday, and you should be out enjoying the weekend. I'll have the full story on Monday.
Now on to the sales pitch. We've got three new bakery partners this week, all of whom are worthy and welcome additions to our product line. I personally taste everything that we sell (and that we decide not to sell), and I can tell you that all three of these bakeries have wowed me. That's not an easy thing to do.
I told you about Solomon's Gourmet Cookies in my last post. For Valentine's Day, we've just added a Valentine Gift Basket that includes a dozen Silver Label cookies without nuts, three Black Label cookies, and three fondant-covered hearts expressing the warm sentiments of "Happy Valentines Day" and "I Love You." It's only available until the 13th, and it's sure to be a coveted gift of Valentines everywhere.
We've also got two new items from The Nutty Cookie of California, with more to come next week. These folks have perfected big, soft-baked cookies, and they use a lot of California-grown ingredients. Much to the dismay of the Wheat Council and the USDA, I ate these cookies for lunch a couple of times this week. I have a weakness for chocolate chips and skipping meals. I'm working on it, I swear.
The Nutty Cookie has supplied the biggest cookie we've ever carried, the "Bee Mine" Heart Cookie. Four pounds of cookie goodness stuffed with Guittard chocolate chips. It says "Bee Mine," and there's sugar bees on it, because nothing says, "I love you" quite like an edible pun. It's fun and cute and you know someone who'd love to get it, so stop snickering.
Finally, for you Mardi Gras afficionados out there, how about a genuine New Orleans King Cake from Randazzo's Camellia City Bakery? It's like getting Carnival in a box, because you'll get the cake along with Mardi Gras beads, plastic doubloons, and a history of Mardi Gras. There's more to the story of this partnership to be told, but it's Friday, and you should be out enjoying the weekend. I'll have the full story on Monday.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
America Held Hostage--Day 10
Still no sign of that Raspberry Buttercreme at Gocakego.com. When will our long national nightmare be over? How can a people who have feasted on the variety of 300 beverage choices at 7-Eleven reconcile a business that offers only one choice of cake, just because they want it in a green box with "FREE" shipping?
Since I'd rather you didn't starve to death waiting for the green box to show with a Raspberry Buttercreme, might I suggest some Silver Label Cookies from Solomon's? They're a new addition to our site, and they're gooooood. Really, really gooooood. A lot of cookies cross my desk over the course of a year, and these truly wowed me. I can't use competitors names or superlatives on the site, but if you asked me in person for my opinion of these cookies, I'd tell you that they're the "Well-known gourmet chocolates that come in a gold ballotin of cookies." God, I've a hankering for some of those cookies right now.
Did you get your Valentine a present yet? Me either, but that's not an example you should follow. With 12 days to go, you should try to get your order in soon. Most retailers don't complain about it, but Valentine's is one of our busier seasons.
Just don't give your Valentine flowers. I mean, come on, flowers? You're getting raked over the coals for those roses, and she would much rather be surprised with roses on a random Tuesday than get the obligatory Valentine's dozen. I could never understand why we express our undying love with something that wilts in a few days. Must be a guy thing.
Give a single rose, if you must invoke the floral tradition, then think outside the box. Go over to our Seasonal Treats page and pick out some cookies or petits fours. Your Valentine will be surprised, and you'll get a cookie or petits four as a reward for being so thoughtful. Just try taking one of those roses home and see what happens.
"But Derek," you're saying, "How can you expect me to pay those overnight shipping charges to get the stuff there on Tuesday?" Hey, if you really loved your Valentine, cost would be no object, but since you're probably down a few bucks from feeding Exxon's record profits, here's some money-saving advice:
Order the gifts for delivery on February 10. Pop the petits fours or the cake in the fridge, and they'll be nice and fresh for Valentine's Day. Order by 2PM Eastern on February 8, and you can get Second-Day Air shipping.
Or, if you'd like to get some of the nice mini cookies from Supercookie, order by 2PM on Thursday, February 9, and we'll have them there on Valentine's Day. They ship in sealed tubs, so they'll survive the weekend without losing a bit of their freshness.
Then get your Valentine some jewelry or tickets to a game. Please stop buying the novelty boxers with hearts on them. They're disturbing.
Since I'd rather you didn't starve to death waiting for the green box to show with a Raspberry Buttercreme, might I suggest some Silver Label Cookies from Solomon's? They're a new addition to our site, and they're gooooood. Really, really gooooood. A lot of cookies cross my desk over the course of a year, and these truly wowed me. I can't use competitors names or superlatives on the site, but if you asked me in person for my opinion of these cookies, I'd tell you that they're the "Well-known gourmet chocolates that come in a gold ballotin of cookies." God, I've a hankering for some of those cookies right now.
Did you get your Valentine a present yet? Me either, but that's not an example you should follow. With 12 days to go, you should try to get your order in soon. Most retailers don't complain about it, but Valentine's is one of our busier seasons.
Just don't give your Valentine flowers. I mean, come on, flowers? You're getting raked over the coals for those roses, and she would much rather be surprised with roses on a random Tuesday than get the obligatory Valentine's dozen. I could never understand why we express our undying love with something that wilts in a few days. Must be a guy thing.
Give a single rose, if you must invoke the floral tradition, then think outside the box. Go over to our Seasonal Treats page and pick out some cookies or petits fours. Your Valentine will be surprised, and you'll get a cookie or petits four as a reward for being so thoughtful. Just try taking one of those roses home and see what happens.
"But Derek," you're saying, "How can you expect me to pay those overnight shipping charges to get the stuff there on Tuesday?" Hey, if you really loved your Valentine, cost would be no object, but since you're probably down a few bucks from feeding Exxon's record profits, here's some money-saving advice:
Order the gifts for delivery on February 10. Pop the petits fours or the cake in the fridge, and they'll be nice and fresh for Valentine's Day. Order by 2PM Eastern on February 8, and you can get Second-Day Air shipping.
Or, if you'd like to get some of the nice mini cookies from Supercookie, order by 2PM on Thursday, February 9, and we'll have them there on Valentine's Day. They ship in sealed tubs, so they'll survive the weekend without losing a bit of their freshness.
Then get your Valentine some jewelry or tickets to a game. Please stop buying the novelty boxers with hearts on them. They're disturbing.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Suggestions for All
I really shouldn't dispense free advice to the competition, and I doubt I would if I thought they would seriously take it, but that seems to be the case at Gocakego.com. They've added an actual address and--gasp--phone number to the bottom of most of their pages. They're still, however, only guaranteeing a "cake-rageous" experience, and I've got no idea what that means. I'm thinking it's one of those things that means something different to everyone. I prefer to order from places that offer a simple money-back guarantee, like the one we offer. And there's still the odd lie about FREE shipping.
Don't forget to use the BLOG discount to get $5 off our Chocolate or Vanilla birthday cakes. Type it into the Coupons field at checkout, and remember, we've got two flavors, they've got one. Really, if you're going to launch a site and offer two flavors of cake, shouldn't you have both flavors available at launch? It's not like you're tackling the Herculean task of offering three kinds of cake.
Maybe they're just waiting for raspberry preserves to come back in season.
Speaking of competitors, I get the odd call for someone looking for larger cakes than the ones we sell, specifically half-sheet and full-sheet cakes. Los Angeles-based Cake2go.com has you covered. They use a network of bakeries to fill their orders. I don't think that's the best way to do it, but I will concede that there's no practical way to ship a half-sheet or full-sheet cake, which is a very fragile thing. If you need something that size, visit their site.
Don't forget to use the BLOG discount to get $5 off our Chocolate or Vanilla birthday cakes. Type it into the Coupons field at checkout, and remember, we've got two flavors, they've got one. Really, if you're going to launch a site and offer two flavors of cake, shouldn't you have both flavors available at launch? It's not like you're tackling the Herculean task of offering three kinds of cake.
Maybe they're just waiting for raspberry preserves to come back in season.
Speaking of competitors, I get the odd call for someone looking for larger cakes than the ones we sell, specifically half-sheet and full-sheet cakes. Los Angeles-based Cake2go.com has you covered. They use a network of bakeries to fill their orders. I don't think that's the best way to do it, but I will concede that there's no practical way to ship a half-sheet or full-sheet cake, which is a very fragile thing. If you need something that size, visit their site.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Fix cake fix?
I'd like to say things are looking better at Gocakego. I'd like to say we won the war in Iraq, too, but like so many abandoned roadside cars, the problems with our cake-selling friends offer convenient places to hide customer service problems.
They fixed the broken logo on the inside pages, and they added a Contact Us link at the bottom of the page. Too bad that link goes to an e-mail address labeled "info." I bet everyone's tripping over themselves to answer those e-mails. When you send us an e-mail, it either goes to me or to Chef Steve. If we're here, we answer them within an hour. If we're not here, those e-mails are the top priority when we arrive back at work.
Still no sign of the vaunted Raspberry Buttercreme cake--rumored to be at least partially responsible for the Denver Broncos lackluster perfomance in the AFC Championship game--but a visit to the Double Fudge page (which still lies about FREE shipping) reveals a new link, called The Guarantee.
It seems that if your experience is anything less than "cake-rageous," they'll "...fix it. Pronto." I find that the truly "cake-rageous" experiences in life are too few and far between. And nowhere in this do they actually say what they'll do. Do they offer a free replacement? Is this a money-back guarantee like the one we offer? Will sending an e-mail to an address labeledn "guarantee" result in the kind of high-speed, life-affirming customer service that you, a wage-earning productive citizen, should claim as your birthright? I'm guessing that the answer to all of those questions is, "Well, maybe, sorta," especially since I don't see a phone number anywhere on the site where I can call and yell.
As you determine whether your experience was insufficiently "cake-rageous" enough to warrant the dangers of sending that e-mail, be sure to note Gocake's claim that, "Birthdays are not to be taken lightly." Neither are Web sites. Do it right, with all the links and information that customers need, or go away. That would be "cake-rageous."
In other news, someone called twice on Sunday to complain about our shipping rates. We're not here on Sunday. We say that very clearly on the site. The caller claimed that our shipping rates are too high. I might agree with that point, but I don't set the rates. The shipping companies set them. If you'd like to call UPS, FedEx, and the Postal Service and ask them why they charge so much, I'd love to hear the answer, particularly where the concept of "dimensional weight" is concerned.
As I've explained in the past, we don't make money on shipping. In some cases, shipping costs eat into the margins we're supposed to make on our products, because shipping is a complex voodoo science when you're selling nationally. Here's some information you can use to help understand the problems:
1. We ship stuff in oversized boxes. Cakes and pastries can't be crammed into standard boxes. When we use our own packaging, which we need to do for many of our products, we're billed for what's called "dimensional weight," becuase our boxes are larger than the standard UPS, FedEx, or USPS boxes. In other words, we're billed for the additional space our packaging takes up on the airplane on a per-pound basis. Dimensional Weight can add as much as two pounds to our packages, resulting in a higher shipping cost.
2. Cakes are heavy. Three DVDs may weigh less than two pounds, but one cake weighs about five pounds. Throw in some dry ice or an ice pack to keep the cake cool in transit, and we're up to a seven-pound package. Since shipping is priced by the pound, it adds up.
3. We can't use ground shipping. You don't want to wait five days for your cake to arrive. Especially if it's going to Texas. Trust me on this.
So I'm left with these very real expenses (and we take advantage of every discount we can get). That leaves me with two choices: Charge $35 for a dozen cookies or $65 for a cake and claim FREE shipping (it's not FREE if it's not in all caps, ask any marketer), or break down the price so you know exactly where your dollars are going.
If you find that level of honesty unsettling, there are folks online who'll lie to you and offer all the "FREE" shipping you can handle. You're welcome to do business with them, just don't call and complain to us first, please.
And if you want to know how much that "FREE" shipping cost you, here's some fun you can have at home. When the package arrives, go to Intershipper.com. Type in the originating ZIP Code (where the package came from), your ZIP code, and the package weight, and you'll find out how much they paid for shipping. If they do a ton of volume, you can subtract 20% of the shipping cost. Subtract the shipping cost from the purchase price of the product, and you'll know what you really paid for that "FREE" shipping.
They fixed the broken logo on the inside pages, and they added a Contact Us link at the bottom of the page. Too bad that link goes to an e-mail address labeled "info." I bet everyone's tripping over themselves to answer those e-mails. When you send us an e-mail, it either goes to me or to Chef Steve. If we're here, we answer them within an hour. If we're not here, those e-mails are the top priority when we arrive back at work.
Still no sign of the vaunted Raspberry Buttercreme cake--rumored to be at least partially responsible for the Denver Broncos lackluster perfomance in the AFC Championship game--but a visit to the Double Fudge page (which still lies about FREE shipping) reveals a new link, called The Guarantee.
It seems that if your experience is anything less than "cake-rageous," they'll "...fix it. Pronto." I find that the truly "cake-rageous" experiences in life are too few and far between. And nowhere in this do they actually say what they'll do. Do they offer a free replacement? Is this a money-back guarantee like the one we offer? Will sending an e-mail to an address labeledn "guarantee" result in the kind of high-speed, life-affirming customer service that you, a wage-earning productive citizen, should claim as your birthright? I'm guessing that the answer to all of those questions is, "Well, maybe, sorta," especially since I don't see a phone number anywhere on the site where I can call and yell.
As you determine whether your experience was insufficiently "cake-rageous" enough to warrant the dangers of sending that e-mail, be sure to note Gocake's claim that, "Birthdays are not to be taken lightly." Neither are Web sites. Do it right, with all the links and information that customers need, or go away. That would be "cake-rageous."
In other news, someone called twice on Sunday to complain about our shipping rates. We're not here on Sunday. We say that very clearly on the site. The caller claimed that our shipping rates are too high. I might agree with that point, but I don't set the rates. The shipping companies set them. If you'd like to call UPS, FedEx, and the Postal Service and ask them why they charge so much, I'd love to hear the answer, particularly where the concept of "dimensional weight" is concerned.
As I've explained in the past, we don't make money on shipping. In some cases, shipping costs eat into the margins we're supposed to make on our products, because shipping is a complex voodoo science when you're selling nationally. Here's some information you can use to help understand the problems:
1. We ship stuff in oversized boxes. Cakes and pastries can't be crammed into standard boxes. When we use our own packaging, which we need to do for many of our products, we're billed for what's called "dimensional weight," becuase our boxes are larger than the standard UPS, FedEx, or USPS boxes. In other words, we're billed for the additional space our packaging takes up on the airplane on a per-pound basis. Dimensional Weight can add as much as two pounds to our packages, resulting in a higher shipping cost.
2. Cakes are heavy. Three DVDs may weigh less than two pounds, but one cake weighs about five pounds. Throw in some dry ice or an ice pack to keep the cake cool in transit, and we're up to a seven-pound package. Since shipping is priced by the pound, it adds up.
3. We can't use ground shipping. You don't want to wait five days for your cake to arrive. Especially if it's going to Texas. Trust me on this.
So I'm left with these very real expenses (and we take advantage of every discount we can get). That leaves me with two choices: Charge $35 for a dozen cookies or $65 for a cake and claim FREE shipping (it's not FREE if it's not in all caps, ask any marketer), or break down the price so you know exactly where your dollars are going.
If you find that level of honesty unsettling, there are folks online who'll lie to you and offer all the "FREE" shipping you can handle. You're welcome to do business with them, just don't call and complain to us first, please.
And if you want to know how much that "FREE" shipping cost you, here's some fun you can have at home. When the package arrives, go to Intershipper.com. Type in the originating ZIP Code (where the package came from), your ZIP code, and the package weight, and you'll find out how much they paid for shipping. If they do a ton of volume, you can subtract 20% of the shipping cost. Subtract the shipping cost from the purchase price of the product, and you'll know what you really paid for that "FREE" shipping.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Just Go, gocakego
Here's another one of my snide posts wherein, through sarcastic commentary, you might learn a thing or two about how not to run a Web site.
As a veteran of the dotcom bust, I like to think that the days of style over substance are gone. That Web entrepreneurs have learned that it takes more than pretty pictures and a little Flash to be successful. Then I see gocakego.com, and I'm reminded why phishing scams still work. In short, just because you spend years telling people not to do things via every available avenue, it doesn't mean they'll listen.
Go take a look at the site. The link's right up there. These are the same folks that had a teaser page online for so long that I began to wonder if someone had (wisely) pulled the plug before this venture got off the ground. Imagine my surprise at seeing actual content, albeit in short supply.
These folks sell cakes. Well, cake, since clicking on the "Show me the cakes!" button reveals that their much-anticipated Raspberry Buttercreme is still in development. In this high-speed day and age, when Presidents can't wait for a court order to start wiretapping, you can't have a cake in R&D for so long. The new Duke Nukem game may be on the market before this cake materializes.
In gocakego's defense, the site seems to be all about simplicity. Nothing's simpler than having only one cake, even if half the people who come to your site don't like it. Those customers, we'll assume, just go away, leaving only those who approve of Double Fudge cakes. And the pictures are pretty. Very, very pretty. Too bad the end of the gocakego.com logo gets cut off once you're off the home page, or that would look pretty too.
The green box also looks pretty, if you like green. Did I mention that the cake comes in a green box? That's a big part of the strategy over there, so much so that they've carried the green motif, with ample blue highlights, into their site design. Are there any two less appetizing colors than green and blue? I've done the research, and the answer is no. But the cake comes in a green box, and I'm sure they were careful to ensure that none of the gocakego.com logo was cut off on the box.
Assuming you get past the green and blue (blue, by the way, is nature's chromatic equivalent of the skull and crossbones, which is why sensible food marketers avoid it), you can order your choice of a Double Fudge or a Double Fudge cake for a mere $59.95--"Includes FREE shipping." As I've said many times before, there's no free shipping.
Let me repeat that: There's NO free shipping. Free lunch may actually exist, expecially if you're good at sneaking into marketing conferences without credentials, but there's no free shipping. The shipping is priced into the cost of the cake, which, incidentally, serves 6 fewer people than our Chocolate Birthday Cake, which, incidentally, comes with all the same stuff (minus the green box), and only costs $5 more with second-day air shipping.
Cross some names off the guest list, honey. We're getting FREE shipping. No you're not. You're being lied to on a green and blue background. Please do me, and the rest of the decent online retailers out there, a favor this year and stop buying things from people who lie to you.
If you insist on buying from people who lie to you, go ahead, use the Shopping Cart. As they say, "Ordering from our store is quick & easy." So quick & easy that they don't even bother spelling out the word "and."
First, give them the Shipping address. Be sure to notice the "Shipping and Handling" charge of $0.00 at the bottom of the page. It must really be free! You also get the choice of creating a customer account or buying as a Guest. Clicking the "What's a Guest?" link tells you that if you don't register, you won't be able to track your order. Now that's simple!
I also need to assign some bonus points for the error message that keeps popping up on the checkout pages, informing customers that "This page contains both secure and nonsecure items." That always makes me feel safe when I'm shopping online. Usually it's an image that's the source of the problem, but I've looked at the pages with nonsecure items turned off, and I can't tell the difference, so if it is an image, it's an invisible image that's probably being used for some search engine optimization purposes. Cheaters.
Once you tell them where to ship and who to bill, the next page tells you to "Select Your Shipping Method." You get as much choice here as you do with the cakes, as there's a single radio button next to the words "Free Shipping." These folks lie like Scooter Libby in front of a grand jury.
You'll be asked for a Discount Code and to choose a Delivery Date. It doesn't say anything about delivery restrictions, but there's an asterisk next to the field. The asterisk doesn't point to anything or link to anything, which must make it feel like less of an asterisk. That sort of abuse of one of the most useful and reliable symbols in language has always bothered me. For fun, I suggest trying to place an order for same-day or Sunday delivery. You won't get any error messages. You also won't get a cake, but you might get a fun phone call from someone in customer service. If you do, be sure to ask them why you can't get your Double Fudge cake the same day or on Sunday, then ask them why it didn't say that on their site. Then cancel your order.
This, of course, assumes that they have customer service. If they do, it's nowhere to be found on the site. Nor is any kind of shipping information, physical address, security information, or a privacy statement. They're all about simplicity over at gocakego, and those boring bits of information just complicate things, don't they? Maybe all that information is coming once the Raspberry Buttercreme cake is ready for the world.
Of course, why would you want the basic staples of online customer service when you've got a Party Online feature? Not only will they send you your choice of a Double Fudge or a Double Fudge cake with FREE shipping on a Sunday, but they'll also fill your e-mail box with birthday wishes. All you have to do is send them the e-mails of everyone you know. Which makes no sense, because you're not sending a birthday cake to yourself, and you probably don't know all the e-mails of the cake recipient's friends and family, unless you're hacking into his or her Hotmail when nobody's looking. With no Privacy Statement on the site, this is probably what gocakego recommends. And what happens with all those e-mails, anyway?
When you violate as many basic e-commerce requirements as gocakego does, it's understandable that you wouldn't put a customer service number anywhere. Personally, I wouldn't order from these folks if they were the only cake site online and my only other birtday gift option was a box of last year's Limburger, so long as I knew the Limburger was coming from a secure site with a clear path to customer service.
If you want to save the five bucks and take a gamble, go right ahead. Actually, I don't want you to do that, because I care about customers and I don't want shoddy sites like this wrecking the reputation of e-commerce. So try this instead: Order a birthday cake from us and use the Discount Code BLOG at checkout to save five bucks. I'll even give you a choice of chocolate or vanilla. You'll only match their price if you choose Second-Day Air shipping, because Express Overnight and Saturday cost more. And no, we can't deliver it on Sunday or Monday.
You won't get a green box and you'll have to send your own Happy Birthday e-mails, but you will be ordering from a safe, secure site with customer service a toll-free call away. The choice is yours.
As a veteran of the dotcom bust, I like to think that the days of style over substance are gone. That Web entrepreneurs have learned that it takes more than pretty pictures and a little Flash to be successful. Then I see gocakego.com, and I'm reminded why phishing scams still work. In short, just because you spend years telling people not to do things via every available avenue, it doesn't mean they'll listen.
Go take a look at the site. The link's right up there. These are the same folks that had a teaser page online for so long that I began to wonder if someone had (wisely) pulled the plug before this venture got off the ground. Imagine my surprise at seeing actual content, albeit in short supply.
These folks sell cakes. Well, cake, since clicking on the "Show me the cakes!" button reveals that their much-anticipated Raspberry Buttercreme is still in development. In this high-speed day and age, when Presidents can't wait for a court order to start wiretapping, you can't have a cake in R&D for so long. The new Duke Nukem game may be on the market before this cake materializes.
In gocakego's defense, the site seems to be all about simplicity. Nothing's simpler than having only one cake, even if half the people who come to your site don't like it. Those customers, we'll assume, just go away, leaving only those who approve of Double Fudge cakes. And the pictures are pretty. Very, very pretty. Too bad the end of the gocakego.com logo gets cut off once you're off the home page, or that would look pretty too.
The green box also looks pretty, if you like green. Did I mention that the cake comes in a green box? That's a big part of the strategy over there, so much so that they've carried the green motif, with ample blue highlights, into their site design. Are there any two less appetizing colors than green and blue? I've done the research, and the answer is no. But the cake comes in a green box, and I'm sure they were careful to ensure that none of the gocakego.com logo was cut off on the box.
Assuming you get past the green and blue (blue, by the way, is nature's chromatic equivalent of the skull and crossbones, which is why sensible food marketers avoid it), you can order your choice of a Double Fudge or a Double Fudge cake for a mere $59.95--"Includes FREE shipping." As I've said many times before, there's no free shipping.
Let me repeat that: There's NO free shipping. Free lunch may actually exist, expecially if you're good at sneaking into marketing conferences without credentials, but there's no free shipping. The shipping is priced into the cost of the cake, which, incidentally, serves 6 fewer people than our Chocolate Birthday Cake, which, incidentally, comes with all the same stuff (minus the green box), and only costs $5 more with second-day air shipping.
Cross some names off the guest list, honey. We're getting FREE shipping. No you're not. You're being lied to on a green and blue background. Please do me, and the rest of the decent online retailers out there, a favor this year and stop buying things from people who lie to you.
If you insist on buying from people who lie to you, go ahead, use the Shopping Cart. As they say, "Ordering from our store is quick & easy." So quick & easy that they don't even bother spelling out the word "and."
First, give them the Shipping address. Be sure to notice the "Shipping and Handling" charge of $0.00 at the bottom of the page. It must really be free! You also get the choice of creating a customer account or buying as a Guest. Clicking the "What's a Guest?" link tells you that if you don't register, you won't be able to track your order. Now that's simple!
I also need to assign some bonus points for the error message that keeps popping up on the checkout pages, informing customers that "This page contains both secure and nonsecure items." That always makes me feel safe when I'm shopping online. Usually it's an image that's the source of the problem, but I've looked at the pages with nonsecure items turned off, and I can't tell the difference, so if it is an image, it's an invisible image that's probably being used for some search engine optimization purposes. Cheaters.
Once you tell them where to ship and who to bill, the next page tells you to "Select Your Shipping Method." You get as much choice here as you do with the cakes, as there's a single radio button next to the words "Free Shipping." These folks lie like Scooter Libby in front of a grand jury.
You'll be asked for a Discount Code and to choose a Delivery Date. It doesn't say anything about delivery restrictions, but there's an asterisk next to the field. The asterisk doesn't point to anything or link to anything, which must make it feel like less of an asterisk. That sort of abuse of one of the most useful and reliable symbols in language has always bothered me. For fun, I suggest trying to place an order for same-day or Sunday delivery. You won't get any error messages. You also won't get a cake, but you might get a fun phone call from someone in customer service. If you do, be sure to ask them why you can't get your Double Fudge cake the same day or on Sunday, then ask them why it didn't say that on their site. Then cancel your order.
This, of course, assumes that they have customer service. If they do, it's nowhere to be found on the site. Nor is any kind of shipping information, physical address, security information, or a privacy statement. They're all about simplicity over at gocakego, and those boring bits of information just complicate things, don't they? Maybe all that information is coming once the Raspberry Buttercreme cake is ready for the world.
Of course, why would you want the basic staples of online customer service when you've got a Party Online feature? Not only will they send you your choice of a Double Fudge or a Double Fudge cake with FREE shipping on a Sunday, but they'll also fill your e-mail box with birthday wishes. All you have to do is send them the e-mails of everyone you know. Which makes no sense, because you're not sending a birthday cake to yourself, and you probably don't know all the e-mails of the cake recipient's friends and family, unless you're hacking into his or her Hotmail when nobody's looking. With no Privacy Statement on the site, this is probably what gocakego recommends. And what happens with all those e-mails, anyway?
When you violate as many basic e-commerce requirements as gocakego does, it's understandable that you wouldn't put a customer service number anywhere. Personally, I wouldn't order from these folks if they were the only cake site online and my only other birtday gift option was a box of last year's Limburger, so long as I knew the Limburger was coming from a secure site with a clear path to customer service.
If you want to save the five bucks and take a gamble, go right ahead. Actually, I don't want you to do that, because I care about customers and I don't want shoddy sites like this wrecking the reputation of e-commerce. So try this instead: Order a birthday cake from us and use the Discount Code BLOG at checkout to save five bucks. I'll even give you a choice of chocolate or vanilla. You'll only match their price if you choose Second-Day Air shipping, because Express Overnight and Saturday cost more. And no, we can't deliver it on Sunday or Monday.
You won't get a green box and you'll have to send your own Happy Birthday e-mails, but you will be ordering from a safe, secure site with customer service a toll-free call away. The choice is yours.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Why send a cake in the mail?
The competition's heating up in the world of pastrycommerce, as evidenced by this AdWords entry from the competition over at the usabirthdays site:
Good question there, usabirthdays, and a good thing that's not the only ad that you run, because I'm about to explain a few things.Birthday Cake Delivery
Why send a cake in the mail when
you can get a cake baked locally?
First, nobody's sending a cake "in the mail," at least not from our site. The implication here is that we're tossing our cakes in a box and shoving it into the closest mailbox. That's what most people think of when they think of mail. Cakes wouldn't survive too well in that environment, which is why we've spent years developing packaging and shipping methods, and working out relationships with UPS and FedEx to ensure that our products arrive on time and in one ready-to-enjoy piece.
So now that the editorial slur against our shipping practices has been addressed, let's get to the real question that's being posed, with the appropriate revisions:
Why send a cake when you can get a cake baked locally?
Why go to Vegas when there's a casino a few hours away? Why stay at the Ritz-Carlton (lose the Flash intro, people) when you can stay at Motel 6? (Maybe because they have a better Web site.) Why eat at Ruth's Chris when Chili's has the New Cajun Ribeye?
Awesome Blossom aside, there's a simple reason: quality. When you order a cake from us, it goes straight to an award-winning bakery. The same bakery, every time. Whether it's cheesecakes from JR Bakery of Chicago or one of the amazing cakes from Bittersweet Pastries, you'll get the same quality whenever you order.
What happens when you order from usabirthdays? Your order goes to a local bakery. They could be great. They could all be using the same recipe. They may have even won an award. But you won't know. And if you order again, and you're sending to a different state, you'll be dealing with another unknown bakery. You're taking a chance on quality. I think that's okay with floral arrangements, because they just have to look good. A cake has to taste good, too, and taste good consistently. That's what makes memories and traditions.
If you want to take a chance, there's sites out there that will let you. If you think the people you love deserve the commitment to quality and consistency that we provide, we're here for you.
And we won't send your cake through the mail.
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