How NOT to Use AdWords

Everyone loves Google AdWords. If you run an online business and you know what you're doing, it's a cost-effective, not to mention very effective, form of advertising. MSN and Yahoo aren't bad, but AdWords is king.

Where else, after all, can you lie about offering free shipping for pennies a click, only to lure customers in with the promise of "cakes" and offer only one kind of cake? There's hours of fun to be had.

Sometimes, though, it goes too far. As you probably know, "bird flu" is a popular search term these days. Any time a search term gets popular, advertisers want to jump on it. Eight pages worth of advertisers, in this case, offering everything from respiratory masks to advice for businesses on how to deal with an outbreak.

Then there's this ad:

Bird Flu
Whatever you're looking for
you can get it on eBay.
www.ebay.com

Order now and we'll rush vials of HN51 straight to your door! Only $59.95 with PayPal! Check my Rating! L@@K!

Not quite what they had in mind, I'm sure. The AdWords link actually takes you to a list of bird-flu-related products, including a number of books about why you should be terrified, some pills that may assuage your fears, and T-shirts for those who prefer to laugh at fate with the words, "Bird Flu! Run for your damn life!" beneath a silhouette of a man running from what appears to be the silhouette of a hawk, or perhaps an eagle.

There's also someone offering to sell the domain name www.birdflu.org, described as the "Best domain name for BIRD FLU!!" As of this writing, it's up to 12 bids, with a top bid of $14,100. The seller is also offering free gift wrapping on this item. I don't know how you'd wrap a domain name, but if you're imagining the gift wrap, that is free, so I'll keep the seller off my list of liars for the moment.

Incidentally, the reserve for this domain name has not yet been met. I'll keep an eye on this auction over the next two days and see if it gets there.

So the eBay ad is true, if unsettling, and folks should really think about how they phrase their AdWords copy. You won't lure a lot of customers with the promise of bird flu.

There's also a couple of other conclusions I can draw.

First, Dick Cheney was doing his part to control the spread of bird flu until, as usual, a lawyer got in the way.

Second, no crisis is so severe that someone, somewhere, won't try to make a buck off of it.