Just Go, gocakego

Here's another one of my snide posts wherein, through sarcastic commentary, you might learn a thing or two about how not to run a Web site.

As a veteran of the dotcom bust, I like to think that the days of style over substance are gone. That Web entrepreneurs have learned that it takes more than pretty pictures and a little Flash to be successful. Then I see gocakego.com, and I'm reminded why phishing scams still work. In short, just because you spend years telling people not to do things via every available avenue, it doesn't mean they'll listen.

Go take a look at the site. The link's right up there. These are the same folks that had a teaser page online for so long that I began to wonder if someone had (wisely) pulled the plug before this venture got off the ground. Imagine my surprise at seeing actual content, albeit in short supply.

These folks sell cakes. Well, cake, since clicking on the "Show me the cakes!" button reveals that their much-anticipated Raspberry Buttercreme is still in development. In this high-speed day and age, when Presidents can't wait for a court order to start wiretapping, you can't have a cake in R&D for so long. The new Duke Nukem game may be on the market before this cake materializes.

In gocakego's defense, the site seems to be all about simplicity. Nothing's simpler than having only one cake, even if half the people who come to your site don't like it. Those customers, we'll assume, just go away, leaving only those who approve of Double Fudge cakes. And the pictures are pretty. Very, very pretty. Too bad the end of the gocakego.com logo gets cut off once you're off the home page, or that would look pretty too.

The green box also looks pretty, if you like green. Did I mention that the cake comes in a green box? That's a big part of the strategy over there, so much so that they've carried the green motif, with ample blue highlights, into their site design. Are there any two less appetizing colors than green and blue? I've done the research, and the answer is no. But the cake comes in a green box, and I'm sure they were careful to ensure that none of the gocakego.com logo was cut off on the box.

Assuming you get past the green and blue (blue, by the way, is nature's chromatic equivalent of the skull and crossbones, which is why sensible food marketers avoid it), you can order your choice of a Double Fudge or a Double Fudge cake for a mere $59.95--"Includes FREE shipping." As I've said many times before, there's no free shipping.

Let me repeat that: There's NO free shipping. Free lunch may actually exist, expecially if you're good at sneaking into marketing conferences without credentials, but there's no free shipping. The shipping is priced into the cost of the cake, which, incidentally, serves 6 fewer people than our Chocolate Birthday Cake, which, incidentally, comes with all the same stuff (minus the green box), and only costs $5 more with second-day air shipping.

Cross some names off the guest list, honey. We're getting FREE shipping. No you're not. You're being lied to on a green and blue background. Please do me, and the rest of the decent online retailers out there, a favor this year and stop buying things from people who lie to you.

If you insist on buying from people who lie to you, go ahead, use the Shopping Cart. As they say, "Ordering from our store is quick & easy." So quick & easy that they don't even bother spelling out the word "and."

First, give them the Shipping address. Be sure to notice the "Shipping and Handling" charge of $0.00 at the bottom of the page. It must really be free! You also get the choice of creating a customer account or buying as a Guest. Clicking the "What's a Guest?" link tells you that if you don't register, you won't be able to track your order. Now that's simple!

I also need to assign some bonus points for the error message that keeps popping up on the checkout pages, informing customers that "This page contains both secure and nonsecure items." That always makes me feel safe when I'm shopping online. Usually it's an image that's the source of the problem, but I've looked at the pages with nonsecure items turned off, and I can't tell the difference, so if it is an image, it's an invisible image that's probably being used for some search engine optimization purposes. Cheaters.

Once you tell them where to ship and who to bill, the next page tells you to "Select Your Shipping Method." You get as much choice here as you do with the cakes, as there's a single radio button next to the words "Free Shipping." These folks lie like Scooter Libby in front of a grand jury.

You'll be asked for a Discount Code and to choose a Delivery Date. It doesn't say anything about delivery restrictions, but there's an asterisk next to the field. The asterisk doesn't point to anything or link to anything, which must make it feel like less of an asterisk. That sort of abuse of one of the most useful and reliable symbols in language has always bothered me. For fun, I suggest trying to place an order for same-day or Sunday delivery. You won't get any error messages. You also won't get a cake, but you might get a fun phone call from someone in customer service. If you do, be sure to ask them why you can't get your Double Fudge cake the same day or on Sunday, then ask them why it didn't say that on their site. Then cancel your order.

This, of course, assumes that they have customer service. If they do, it's nowhere to be found on the site. Nor is any kind of shipping information, physical address, security information, or a privacy statement. They're all about simplicity over at gocakego, and those boring bits of information just complicate things, don't they? Maybe all that information is coming once the Raspberry Buttercreme cake is ready for the world.

Of course, why would you want the basic staples of online customer service when you've got a Party Online feature? Not only will they send you your choice of a Double Fudge or a Double Fudge cake with FREE shipping on a Sunday, but they'll also fill your e-mail box with birthday wishes. All you have to do is send them the e-mails of everyone you know. Which makes no sense, because you're not sending a birthday cake to yourself, and you probably don't know all the e-mails of the cake recipient's friends and family, unless you're hacking into his or her Hotmail when nobody's looking. With no Privacy Statement on the site, this is probably what gocakego recommends. And what happens with all those e-mails, anyway?

When you violate as many basic e-commerce requirements as gocakego does, it's understandable that you wouldn't put a customer service number anywhere. Personally, I wouldn't order from these folks if they were the only cake site online and my only other birtday gift option was a box of last year's Limburger, so long as I knew the Limburger was coming from a secure site with a clear path to customer service.

If you want to save the five bucks and take a gamble, go right ahead. Actually, I don't want you to do that, because I care about customers and I don't want shoddy sites like this wrecking the reputation of e-commerce. So try this instead: Order a birthday cake from us and use the Discount Code BLOG at checkout to save five bucks. I'll even give you a choice of chocolate or vanilla. You'll only match their price if you choose Second-Day Air shipping, because Express Overnight and Saturday cost more. And no, we can't deliver it on Sunday or Monday.

You won't get a green box and you'll have to send your own Happy Birthday e-mails, but you will be ordering from a safe, secure site with customer service a toll-free call away. The choice is yours.