Fix cake fix?

I'd like to say things are looking better at Gocakego. I'd like to say we won the war in Iraq, too, but like so many abandoned roadside cars, the problems with our cake-selling friends offer convenient places to hide customer service problems.

They fixed the broken logo on the inside pages, and they added a Contact Us link at the bottom of the page. Too bad that link goes to an e-mail address labeled "info." I bet everyone's tripping over themselves to answer those e-mails. When you send us an e-mail, it either goes to me or to Chef Steve. If we're here, we answer them within an hour. If we're not here, those e-mails are the top priority when we arrive back at work.

Still no sign of the vaunted Raspberry Buttercreme cake--rumored to be at least partially responsible for the Denver Broncos lackluster perfomance in the AFC Championship game--but a visit to the Double Fudge page (which still lies about FREE shipping) reveals a new link, called The Guarantee.

It seems that if your experience is anything less than "cake-rageous," they'll "...fix it. Pronto." I find that the truly "cake-rageous" experiences in life are too few and far between. And nowhere in this do they actually say what they'll do. Do they offer a free replacement? Is this a money-back guarantee like the one we offer? Will sending an e-mail to an address labeledn "guarantee" result in the kind of high-speed, life-affirming customer service that you, a wage-earning productive citizen, should claim as your birthright? I'm guessing that the answer to all of those questions is, "Well, maybe, sorta," especially since I don't see a phone number anywhere on the site where I can call and yell.

As you determine whether your experience was insufficiently "cake-rageous" enough to warrant the dangers of sending that e-mail, be sure to note Gocake's claim that, "Birthdays are not to be taken lightly." Neither are Web sites. Do it right, with all the links and information that customers need, or go away. That would be "cake-rageous."

In other news, someone called twice on Sunday to complain about our shipping rates. We're not here on Sunday. We say that very clearly on the site. The caller claimed that our shipping rates are too high. I might agree with that point, but I don't set the rates. The shipping companies set them. If you'd like to call UPS, FedEx, and the Postal Service and ask them why they charge so much, I'd love to hear the answer, particularly where the concept of "dimensional weight" is concerned.

As I've explained in the past, we don't make money on shipping. In some cases, shipping costs eat into the margins we're supposed to make on our products, because shipping is a complex voodoo science when you're selling nationally. Here's some information you can use to help understand the problems:

1. We ship stuff in oversized boxes. Cakes and pastries can't be crammed into standard boxes. When we use our own packaging, which we need to do for many of our products, we're billed for what's called "dimensional weight," becuase our boxes are larger than the standard UPS, FedEx, or USPS boxes. In other words, we're billed for the additional space our packaging takes up on the airplane on a per-pound basis. Dimensional Weight can add as much as two pounds to our packages, resulting in a higher shipping cost.

2. Cakes are heavy. Three DVDs may weigh less than two pounds, but one cake weighs about five pounds. Throw in some dry ice or an ice pack to keep the cake cool in transit, and we're up to a seven-pound package. Since shipping is priced by the pound, it adds up.

3. We can't use ground shipping. You don't want to wait five days for your cake to arrive. Especially if it's going to Texas. Trust me on this.

So I'm left with these very real expenses (and we take advantage of every discount we can get). That leaves me with two choices: Charge $35 for a dozen cookies or $65 for a cake and claim FREE shipping (it's not FREE if it's not in all caps, ask any marketer), or break down the price so you know exactly where your dollars are going.

If you find that level of honesty unsettling, there are folks online who'll lie to you and offer all the "FREE" shipping you can handle. You're welcome to do business with them, just don't call and complain to us first, please.

And if you want to know how much that "FREE" shipping cost you, here's some fun you can have at home. When the package arrives, go to Intershipper.com. Type in the originating ZIP Code (where the package came from), your ZIP code, and the package weight, and you'll find out how much they paid for shipping. If they do a ton of volume, you can subtract 20% of the shipping cost. Subtract the shipping cost from the purchase price of the product, and you'll know what you really paid for that "FREE" shipping.